A journal of a self diagnosed depression sufferer

Wow

Forgot all about this thing.

I'm still at that job and things are quite a bit better. As anyone that has experienced depression can tell you, it is never really gone. I fight it every day. Some days you win and some days you lose.

I've been in consuling pretty much the whole time from when I got back on health insurance until today.

Things are considerably better now, but it is still a struggle every day.

Posted by: helpme at 15:32 | link | comments

Didn't get the dream job, but they said that there will be another chance in January. Until then I can feed my family and maybe get a start on paying down the massive debts I ran up in the 6 months without pay.

I really want this job!

Posted by: helpme at 02:13 | link | comments

Well...

Got moved and started the new job. So far, so good on the job thing. Not really getting to do much yet, mostly meeting people and getting settled. Hard to tell if this might be the long term solution.

Goofy thing is that almost as soon as I get moved, 2 other organizations want to hire me. One I dismissed out of hand, I would have been very interested before I moved, but not after, but the other one is pretty close to my dream job. I will interview and will take it if offered, even if that means uprooting my family yet again. Strange how this stuff always happens. I have heard other people say things like this, but I never thought it would happen to me. Weird.

I have also been a bit more stable, depression-wise, since the move ended and the job began. I am tearful today, which is the first day in over 2 weeks that I have felt this way. I guess it could be that it is "father's day" and I still feel like a failure as a dad... Got to let go of that nonsense...

Posted by: helpme at 22:54 | link | comments (2)

One day to go before the move.

Dammit!

I can't wait and I am filled with sadness. My daughter will never get a house like this to grow up in again. There will be no yard, no playset, no quiet street, no place of her own. I can't help feeling like a complete failure. I know that I need to do this, I can't keep the mortgage payments up without any income, but it still sucks hard.

I love my girls, I want what is best for them and I know that moving and working again is best for everyone, but it isn't enough and it hurts like hell.

The end of a dream, the end of a life, the end of a lot of things.

Posted by: helpme at 15:46 | link | comments

I didn't mean to abandon this blog, but life gets in the way.

Update:

I took the offered job and now in the process of moving 2 states away in order to start working again. A long-distance move is hard work, but nessassary in this case.

The job pays, which is good, but not enough to really live, which is bad. I have been assured that the job will be there for 2 years, which is good, but I have to try and get some sort of part-time gig or steady consulting income to make ends meet, which is bad.

Overall, things are looking to be moving in the positive direction. This should help my mental state, but I have seen no sign of improvement. I am still paniced, angry, morose and weepy. I hope getting the move over with and settling into a "normal" routine will bring some relief.

Posted by: helpme at 22:35 | link | comments

So... I still have the offer and I am dealing for salary and benes. Meanwhile I get offered a in-person interview where the company will fly me out and put me up overnight and fly me back. Pretty cool and the job sounds VERY cool, so I agree to go on the interview. After almost 12 hours in transit (starting at 3:00AM my time), I get to the interview tired and frazzled but glad to get started. The first thing they do is scrable for someone for me to talk to and park me in a conference room. An hour later, they finally find someone to interview me and it begins. After this person, they have trouble finding the next person and then the same story for the next.

Finally I think they just gave up and sent me to the hotel. I had been in their offices something like 4 hours and talked briefly to 3 people (1 twice) and learned almost nothing about the company and I am sure they learned even less about me. It is hard to believe that they were willing to spend so much money on a last minute flight and hotel stay only to blow me off. I guess they made the decision to take the other job easy for me...

I am still pretty tearful, I can't seem to control my negative emotions at all. I need to get a grip really soon in order to move and do well on my new job. I just hope I can get it all together soon.

Posted by: helpme at 01:49 | link | comments (3)

OK... Something is really wrong here...

I actually got a job offer... For a job I want... In a place that I want to be...

So, with this good news, why am I still crying all the time, still having nightmares on the rare times when I am asleep, and why does everything seem just as hopeless as before?

This sucks, things should be getting better, instead it seems that I am getting worse.

Posted by: helpme at 03:10 | link | comments

Why doesn't anyone have class anymore?

Here is the story...

I have a 1 hour phone interview with a company and it was all very positive, that was followed by another 1 hour phone interview a few days later. The second one was more positive than the first and was with someone that should be able to make the decision. I got an email from the company rep within minutes of the second phone interview's end asking for a date and time that would work for me to come in and do a face-to-face interview, which made be very happy.

That was the last I have heard from them, it has been over a week. I have sent emails and even called the rep directly. No response.

If I have some dirty dark secret that I am unaware of, please tell me. At least return a phone call with a curt "We are no longer interested". That way I wouldn't be wondering.

This is not an isolated instance... it is the second time this happened in less than a month.

People suck

Posted by: helpme at 13:06 | link | comments

Does anyone know if Wellbutrin actually works or if is a placebo?

I have been on it long enough that my refill limit has been reached and I have yet to really feel any effect.

Anyone have suggestions for my doctor, since I have to see him soon. Remember I am on the verge of losing health insurance, so a cheap drug with lower effectiveness is better than an expensive drug that I will have to stop taking.

Posted by: helpme at 03:56 | link | comments

Why is every positive step followed by at least 2 setbacks?

Posted by: helpme at 02:30 | link | comments